Burning Your Lists
Got into a lively debate/conversation with a dear (female) friend of mine yesterday over questions of dating in our sphere around here. Basically, I mentioned that I feel many people (usually on the female side of things) get a little too intense about dating a little too quickly – and that ‘lightening’ up a little would make life a more enjoyable for all.
She begged to differ on several of my points, but I feel we came to some consensus on a few things that may be helpful for the singles out there reading this. Though I’m intensely opposed to imposing ‘rules’ for relationships and dating (never a helpful solution when dealing with the mystery of a man and a maiden, see Proverbs 30:18-19) here are our conclusions.
- Burn your lists: Whatever little ‘list’ you have of the perfect mate – yeah, that one tucked away in a journal, scrawled somewhere away from prying eyes – pull it out and burn it…or shred it…why? Because it is fantasy. It’s birthed outside of reality and far afield from the bumps and bruises of actual relationships. I’m not saying you can’t have a few qualities you prefer (I’d say…two outside of them being saved and fiery for God).
- Let Friendship Lead You: Put yourself in contexts where friendship can emerge – ways to serve so you get to know that special someone. Instead of building a ‘romantic fantasy’ apart from community, create a friendship within the community. Pray together, work together, serve together. Have a relationship that can weather the mundane and isn’t an attempt to replay some lame romantic comedy.
- Men- GET CREATIVE: C’mon dudes. Yes, you asked like, six girls out for ‘coffee’ and they all said no. Maybe that’s because coffee is kind of…well, BORING! Try thinking outside the box. Have a barbecue at the park and invite 15 people (including the only one you really care if they show up). Plan a day trip to St. Louis with yourself and three or four of your ‘friends’. Create a fun, safe, context where you can get to know her.
- Women – CHILL OUT: You don’t really need to know if he is the “one” after the first time you hang out with him. Get your friends opinions, give him a second chance if he was bumbling and awkward before the stunning beauty that stood before him. And hey, every now and then – go out for coffee with someone.
That’s my story. Thoughts?
Ian Barker said,
March 9, 2007 at 10:56 pm
I agree with everything you said, except my wife Jocelyn did make one those lists; and I nailed it. she read it to me the other day, and it was eerie how close I am to what her list was. The list was written 6-7 years ago. I say that only to say that the heard her prayers, but she didn’t realize it until later on in our relationship. She didn’t pick me because I matched the list, but the Lord picked me for her because I matched the list. A small distinction, but a big one. So go for someone you enjoy being with and loves Jesus, and see if God doesn’t surprise you.
Christine said,
March 10, 2007 at 1:20 am
I don’t know, I think that lists aren’t necessarily a bad thing. Now… things on a list like:
- “His last name is in the first half of the alphabet”
- “He is at least so tall”
- “He shields the lemon from spraying everyone when he squeezes into his glass”
- a detailed physical description
… those ones are pretty meaningless. And lists like that should definitely go.
But sometimes I think we need the lists to keep ourselves from falling into really stupid situations.
There are a lot of things that could be assumed about a person if we call them “fiery for God”. But that’s one of those labels we can throw around pretty easily sometimes. I mean… if someone dropped everything to move to Kansas City and pray, they must be fiery for God, right? Ummm… yeah.
So, I am simply saying that a few little things like “growing in servanthood”, “values prayer”, “actually studies the word,” and specific values aren’t necessarily a bad thing to have on a fuzzy list. To have a list of qualities that we are seeking in absolute perfection, well… that’s simple futility. He’s not going to be Jesus. And there will be areas of immaturity.
Anyway… that is my somewhat contradictory two cents.
Amanda Beattie said,
March 10, 2007 at 2:22 am
Well my very unqualified two cents says I agree with Christine’s somewhat contradictory two cents…
Jorge Rodrigez said,
March 10, 2007 at 4:08 am
Si
jareddiehl said,
March 10, 2007 at 10:41 pm
AS much as you explained all of this to me when we driving in my fancy sport’s car last night I enjoyed hearing it again in writing…..
I think YES men(I is one) need to be more creative and think outside of the box of what the norm is….and the norm for most guys at IHOP would be coffee because that’s what you see other guys doing….be a forerunner isn’t just a messenger but can apply to stepping out and doing what you are saying- hang out in groups and be creative and I think even men need to chill and not worry so much if SHE IS THE ONE- who really knows upon the first date- the only stories of ‘the one’ on the first date that I have ever heard have been HOLLYWOOD MOVIES- and believe me I have seen plenty of romantic comedies(keyword comedy- its hilarious how unrealistic they are)
Good words KG…
Christine said,
March 11, 2007 at 12:50 am
Check it out! Amanda and I are like a penny short of a nickel. Now who wouldn’t want to listen to an argument that could be called a penny short of a nickel?
kylegebhart said,
March 11, 2007 at 1:42 am
christine – i think values based ‘lists’ are the way to go and you can’t miss – its when the list is composed of personality, habit, physical type stuff that people get into trouble – and when that list becomes a ’standard’ that prevents you from enjoying or considering the godly, righteous people around you everyday.
kylegebhart said,
March 11, 2007 at 1:44 am
@ ian – good to have an married perspective – and looks like prayer works!
mollymosack said,
March 11, 2007 at 4:58 am
Jared, I’ve been meaning to ask you, what’s on your head in your pic? Is that a Krispy Kreme beanie?
jen mcarthur said,
March 11, 2007 at 7:01 am
I like what Ian said about “She didn’t pick me because I matched the list, but the Lord picked me for her because I matched the list” – that is my heart’s desire for myself as well because I will admit… I have a list.
zackhensley said,
March 12, 2007 at 6:03 am
yes but for every list that matched is 1,000 people who got anal about lists and they didn’t work. Lists for non-negotionable standars are important, (good hygene, loves jesus, attractive to you, etc.) but being to detailed brings to many standards for someone to have to live up to… i’ve seen it both ways… and there is no science… I say get to know someone and get council, read the book of proverbs. but most importantly this: act when your ready, don’t act when your not… but what do I know, I’m still single…
Char said,
March 13, 2007 at 12:33 am
I had a list back in MN, lost the list, moved to KC, started dating my husband, the list literally just appeared as we were praying for the Lord to show us more about our destiny and it just so happened to fit my most beloved husband exactly. Sound familiar Ian? These lists represent the desires that God has put in us to have in a mate, I say write ‘em out kids and don’t be shallow.
Austin Roberts said,
March 13, 2007 at 4:16 am
Haha I like this I laughed and agreed with most of it. Especially the part about friendship.
Rob Velez said,
March 22, 2007 at 6:43 am
take your significant other on a “freestyle walking ministry” and impress them with cool tricks.
Wear a shirt that showcases your favorite monster truck.
Memorize Biblical geneology and recite it within earshot of them in the intercession prep room sessions.
Surprise them with a delcious can of pringles once a week.
Wear two different shoes.
…….
I know I have the best advice, too bad I am like a pope.
Christina said,
March 23, 2007 at 11:49 pm
wow kyle, the comments keep getting better and better eh! And i must say; i DO like the idea of someone wearing two different shoes for me……
simplysearching said,
April 6, 2007 at 3:51 am
Well I heard about this entry , read it and thought about adding my comment to the 15 entralled. I agree friendship is a great way to go especially in building a foundation of pure affections, however at the same time, I have seen time and time where one friend begins to have deeper and deeper feeling and they are all masked being ‘being friends’ hanging out as friends in ‘groups’, talking til 2am as friends, taking moonlight walks as friends, having coffee 5 days a week… etc… and someone is withheld from the truth. There is a important time to tell the truth, a time when genuine motives bcome false, that it is healthiest to be honest and trust the Father He will hold your heart. The truth will set us free to be real with one another and truly love.
simplysearching said,
April 6, 2007 at 4:05 am
ps. creativity is beautiful… in general. Let’s always try to think outside the box in daily living.
[art geek - me]
Tonight a friend prayed with me, “Jesus is Enough” and from a heart at rest in Jesus alone, we can explore the peace of enjoying good company.
[for people trying to chill out]
kylegebhart said,
April 6, 2007 at 9:55 pm
i agree with you (related to your first post) – people often ‘deceive themselves’ – that’s where the input of other friends becomes so key. your friends KNOW when you are crossing the line, and if they are real friends will confront you on it graciously. (see addendum)
simplysearching said,
April 6, 2007 at 11:37 pm
good point.
tax man said,
April 27, 2007 at 1:19 am
get real folks -
no one needs a list -
it’s all about magnetic attraction -
it’s like cliff jumping -
that’s why it is called falling in love -
love at first sight -
the list is already in your head and your dna -
it’s the secret – (you already know in your heart)
making a list is just a way of validating what we already know
if you are shaking like a dog eating chicken bones, he or she is it on a stick -
a few thoughts « Rustling Leaves said,
October 5, 2009 at 6:56 am
[...] that I was privileged to witness between him and another good friend. You should read it, here’s the link. Here’s the follow up too [...]